The Mental Game: Green-Eyed Monster!

As well as all the physical stuff we have to handle in roller derby, there's a big old mental side that's a little trickier to navigate.

A few weeks ago some of the skaters from my intake passed their Minimum Skills and crossed over to the Advanced midweek practises, that mystical kingdom where all the hitting happens.   This has happened before, when I was too injured to be skate, but this time a rescheduling meant I had to miss one of the testing days.  And like before, I found myself dealing with a little personal issue.

Oooh, what was that?  Was that… JEALOUSY?

Yes it was.  I was jealous.  Jealous that she had passed Min Skills and I hadn’t (even comparing your derby journey to someone else’s is illogical and nonsensical).  Jealous that I hadn’t got as many skills ticked off (but because I had to be away.  I was NSOing the Heartlands finals!)  Jealous because… I guess I felt that someone else being good made me look bad in comparison.

Being the over-analytical penguin that I am, I spent some time mentally dissecting my emotions, because being jealous means you do douchey things, and I don’t wanna be that derby douchebag.  Here’s what I discovered:

What is Jealousy?

In a nutshell, someone has something and you want it.  Right now.  The immediacy is important.  You don’t want to wait for it, you don’t want to earn it of work (or work harder!) for it.  You just want it to vanish from their hands and appear in yours.  It seems like this would make you feel better.  But why do you feel bad in the first place?

Fear

Ah comparison, my old nemesis.  I’ve written about you before, and how dangerous it can be to compare yourself too much with people whose circumstances in life are vastly different from yours.  In sport there’s an extra level of difficulty because of course you want to set targets for yourself, to be as good as so-and-so.  But if we haven’t yet achieved that goal yet, what do we feel that says about us?

Humans like to think in dualisms, which is where you have two opposing elements which are your only option.  Night or Day.  Straight or Gay.  Good or Bad.  It’s a nifty mental shortcut but only works on a very simple level.  When we think about we realise there’s not just Night and Day.  There’s evening, morning, dusk, lunchtime, midnight, midday, and so on.  The same thing’s going on with me and my friend.  When I look at her skating and see that she’s obviously good, my brains takes that mental shortcut and tells me “You’re not as good as that. So that means you must be bad.”  But that’s not true!  I’m not AS good, but that doesn’t mean I’m NO good.

The fear behind it was that if I was a bad skater people would think badly of me.  I would be rejected by people I like and admire, or become a burden to them.  But that’s not true either!  I’ve made friendships in my team that aren’t based on my skating ability (actually very of few of them are directly based on my skating ability!)  Will my friends love me any less if I never pass my Mins Skills?  Is my self-esteem based purely on my skating ability rather than seeing myself as the half-decent human being that I suspect I am most of the time?

Jealousy is just fear making a noise.  Identify that fear and call it out for what it is – a lie.

However, jealousy does have one use…

It lets you know what’s important to you.  Jealous seeing your friend with her new significant other?  Clearly you care about that friendship, so take action! Schedule in a coffee date with her.

Jealous of a fellow skater’s skill?  Improving is clearly on your mind.  So now we know that we can take action.  Obviously make sure the thing you want is an okay thing to want, and not something immoral or destructive.  But let’s assume you want to level up your skating by a realistic amount.  That’s a good goal to have.

This is where Jealousy loses its function, so it needs to get off our Fun Bus now.  Hanging onto jealousy can lead to douchey behaviour:

•  Tearing other people down to make yourself appear better, through catty or sarcastic comments, gossiping, or insults.
• Freezing people out.
• Backhanded compliments that belittle them to their face.
• Adding “perspective” or “tough love” or a “critique” when they’re celebrating an achievement.

I’m not kidding, this sort of stuff can wreck a team so even if you can’t stand the sight of them, if you love your derby and want your team to succeed you’ll find a way to be civil and keep your comments in your own head.

Having identified what you want, ask yourself…

Is there something I can do right now to start moving towards it?

Sometimes the answer is no.  Sometimes Life is happening, or Unemployment or Pregnancy or Low Bank Balance or Relationships or Illness or Work is happening and Crossfit three times a week just isn’t an option right now.  THAT’S OKAY.  Although it’s hard to believe sometimes, there are more important things than roller derby.  No kittens or puppies will be killed if you have to put other things first for a while.  Sometimes what we want has to wait.

You may also want to ask yourself “What will happen if I never was to get what I want?”  If I never made the travel team, and just came to practice every week for the rest of my derby life, could I be content with that?  In my case the answer was yes: even if I’m never as good a skater as my friend, I enjoy what I’m doing right now, and I’d be happy to keep doing it even if I never got any further.  I’m not saying I won’t have my sad moments, but it’s not worth giving up what I enjoy.

If there IS something you can do to start moving towards your goal… start doing it!

Remember that all change takes time and any change you make needs to be sustainable in the long term, or you’ll just burn yourself out.  But let that jealous moment challenge you to raise your game just a little bit.  Do transitions on the bad side.  Study that rulebook.  In my case, attempt those crossovers at laps speed even though you’re terrified of tripping over your feet and smashing onto your own face (I did it!  And it raised my personal best!)  We’re all going to get jealous from time to time, but it’s what you do with that emotion once you’ve had it that matters.  Try to wring an opportunity out of it if you possibly can.

Having worked through all this, I’m pleased to say that I’m getting over myself (for now at least!) and I’m keeping an eye on my attitude.  My friend probably didn’t know, but if this gets back to her – I’m sorry.  I had a moment of weakness and I’m not going to let it happen again.  I’m genuinely pleased to see my intake-buddy doing so well.  She’ll be a great asset to the team, and I’m looking forward to joining her up there soon!